Lil b's blog

22) My house is not a home

It's another one of those moments where I happen to look down at my usual cordless life items and feel like they do. My iphone just shut down asking for power, my mouse is blinking red, my ds is at the best part of it's battery life in which when you touch the screen it goes to red, and my wallet is empty. Wallet needs the most recharging.

Shit's been crumbling down around me the past few weeks. I wouldn't say it's making me depressed, that's stupid. I'll say it's held me high, dry, and miserable. That's less stupid.

I just finished doing my hw that I put off until tonight. I just can't find the motivation to apply myself better at the moment. Though i'm really digging my astronomy class. I just fear that it's going to screw my mind later down the line. If I look at a star i'm staring at the past?! WHOMAGA

Last friday Twii was diagnosed with unexplainable. The vet kept her for a week and couldn't find exactly what was wrong with her. They found some oddity in her lungs and treated her for some sort of infection/growth. Chlamydia I believe they thought it was. Anyway on Friday we took her in for her check-up and to get her blood count. Ended up that whatever they were treating her for was wrong, and that her blood count was at 6%. The doctor opted that we think about euthanasia for Twii. But she gave us the weekend to think about it.

So we took her home and proceeded to try to find some food that she'd like. For the past  2 weeks she  was barely eating  anything.  It    (holy hell now my keyboard is dying. the secr

et works again) took a lot of patience and pleaded to get her to eat anything. She was losing so much weight daily. But when she was in the hospital I was able to make her eat cuz she'd be so happy to see me and sakura. I dunno if many would get this, but she had such a wonderful smile. She lit up when we came to visit her.

For hours we just sat with Twii in front of the computer. She was on my shoulder and Sakura was doing her best to feed her. Eventually she started to eat some mashed potatos and even kept asking for more. Because she was so weak she had a different voice than usual but I thought she was so cute anyway. Twii had a problem where if she was moved around too much she'd start to throw up. I guess it was just cuz she was weak so signals to her head would throw off her balance. But once or twice she threw up everything we fed her. But she gladly kept eating afterwards anyway.

But god she was so weak that she'd just randomly close her eyes and fall lose consciousness for just a few moments at a time. But it happened so often.

But close to 1am  on Friday she started  to  kinda freak out on us.  She kept trying to stay by my keyboard to just sleep. Then  we tried putting her in our bed cuz sometimes she just  sleeps in the sheets with us. But she started gasping for air and kept trying to run off.  I was able to get her to settle a bit and she rested between sakura and i  laying on our arms. You can tell that she was having trouble breating. We thought about taking her to the emergency room but we decided against it. Besides, I had already spent like 2g from the other vet and i'm clean out of dimes and nickels.
But it wasn't the cost the kept us from doing it really..

Anyway a few moments later she started to go into shock and it was over in less than 5 seconds. She slowly put her head down to sakuras arm and I just kept screaming her name wanting her to wake up again. I couldn't believe it had happened. Despite what the doctor said I thought that she was going to get better. I thought she'd keep eating and stay with us. She had already fought so hard to be with us for all that time she was sick. It destroyed me that night. The speed, the timing, the horrific lost of a loved one...

I miss her so much. I miss her love. I miss her everything.

I'm having so much trouble dealing with it right now. That on top of my family situation which too is slowly deteriorating around me. Sakura and I never thought something like this would happen. Towards the end of it all I was scared of it happening because of how sick she looked, but now that my fear is a reality, I dunno.

We buried her today. Well, the last 2 days. The first day was uhh..we suck at digging. But she has a beautiful spot on the mountain next to us. It over looks a lot of daly city and even has a nice clear view of the ocean when daly city isn't being daly city. I know she'll like it there.

Sakura wanted to cremate her but I just couldn't. I dunno, I have a problem with saying yes to cremation. I think it's because it feels like real admittance that they're gone gone. It hurts more than burials.

~Oh Twii...I miss my life with you. My house is not a home because you're not here with me anymore. Wherever you were is where I wanted to be. Sakura misses you so much too. I hope you didn't suffer because of me and my decisions. I tried everything for you and I know you fought your hardest. Even everyone at the vet was so surprised with how you were handling the sickness. You were always bright and chipper and no one would've known you were sick if they hadn't tested your blood. I'm glad they found out so we at least tried. I'm planning on making a video for you soon. I found a song I wanna dance to for you. I wish you were still around to watch me dance at home. Sorry when I woke you up cuz of it. I'm sorry I wasn't home when you wanted me to be and i'm so sorry if what happened to you was because of something in this house. Sa and I will always have you in our hearts, Twii. I'm so lonely without you. I have friends, I have family, and I have Sa, but without you it can be so lonely.

Goodbye Twii. I love you. Say hi to Pump and Toi.~

It's no cordless items but I have two empty bird cages at home. I've wished with all my heart that they'd never run on empty. I don't need them to be full...just needs that unconditional love inside that I can always count on.

21) Thoughts

I'm having a lot of trouble controlling my thoughts. I realize this now because i've been reading "The Secret" and all I want is so much to be in control of every voice I hear in my head. I don't want to say it's impossible or anything, but i'll just hint at it.

But on average days I feel like I respond to everything with at least 3 voices in my head.

One voice i'll say is "everyday (expected) reason". What I mean by that is there's a lot of crap that goes on on a daily basis that I know i'll have to deal with(PCOW). And a lot of it is just expected so in a sense shouldn't ever phase me or maybe I shouldn't care about it. Like if I'm walking to class and I see someone spill their coffee on the ground and on their shoes. This voice will say "that sucks but whatever. get to class."

Another voice would have to be "stubborn". This goes too many ways to explain. I don't even think this is the right word!

and the 3rd must be "me": that voice that just doesn't shut up. Doesn't annoy me or anything, but if you've experienced me drunk and I don't shut up, it's like that in my head all the time.

I'm so stupid sometimes. Like I'll say stupid things or have stupid thoughts. I'll even have stupid thoughts ABOUT those stupid thoughts. How can I control something like that? I've always been a scatterbrain.

I also think the reason this is hard for me to comprehend is because I decided a few nights ago that i'm a "Feeler" and not a "thinker". My thoughts for specific events are hard to put into words, much less a blog. But maybe the way I feel about specific events is easier for me.

So now i'll go about seeing if I can control my "feels(? o_O)(feelings)) instead of thoughts.
But! Will the law of attraction still respond?
Let's see if I get that cup of coffee tomorrow. Black. With sugar and half and half. So brown really. Brown coffee.

Why must I have stupid thoughts? =( I like to say that it makes me ME but shit. I'm sure I embarrass Sakura way too often because of it. Good thing she loves me. Ha! =)

Actually I think you're supposed to run on your feelings to take advantage of the law of attraction. I need to start taking notes on this damn book.

20) AUGH!

I just wasted a lot of time just trying to blog tonight. Well I don't want to say it was a waste waste because I realized that I have a lot more bothering me than I can fit into just one empty text box at the moment.

A lot of shit has been pestering at me slowly and it pains me to admit that I don't have the courage to plaster it all over the internet. Well not all over, just in a vox, that gets carried over to livejournal, to more people with eyes. Reading eyes. >.>

Even just the events of today feels hard to talk about because there's so much backstory behind it because i've been so lazy to blog. AUGH!

Bottom line. My bird is anemic and she's in the hospital. and she's the sweetest thing. So sweet. She's so sick and she won't let us know it, but she'll kiss both Sakura and I if we ask for it. I love Twii so much. I'm thinking nothing but good thought of her and I hope she can come home soon so sleep in the sheets with me.

Other awesome memorable event: Double duo dinner date with Jun and Mikey complete with boob grabbing violating and nachos at the cheesecake factory. Tho I feel Jun and Mikey missed out on the best of Sakura and I cuz we're both worried about our baby. Still fun nontheless. Gotta do it again sometime.

Shit's just frustrating right now. and by shit, I mean the shit I need to get myself out of or rid of. ...or other people out of.

Maybe summer just ended too suddenly. One week i'm finishing off the last week of Konami(RC), the next i'm cramming 3 days worth of work into 1 for 5 days straight at Konami(LA), then I turn 21 and get drank, then LA again for more crazy work, then school starts the next week! and dance dance and more dance all over in there.

I think i'm reminiscing too much because I  uh..don't know! But it's causing me to think of the past. and i'm a point in my life where i'm  actually TRYING to convince myself that time  doesn't exist. That just sounds so stupid of me to try to do cuz it's me: Time Lover. Always feeling the restrictions and boundarys of it. But hotdamn if I can look past it.

Let's just sleep it off with a happy ending. (A good dream damnit...a dream)

19) Ha. I dunno..?!

I'm just kind of .. up. Ha.

 I think I just wanted to post something so that when I read this, I remember today.

I'm tired as all hell at the moment. I look at my bed and think "you look so awesome right now, except for the fact that you're empty. and even if i jump in right now, you'll only be half full."

I don't convey it to the world enough but i'm so goddamn in love with Sakura. For a few moments I thought nothing but passion mattered, and when I say that I mean about like me dancing or something. But I have so much passion for her and there have been a lot of times where I don't act on it enough or I don't let her feel it enough.

In all aspects of my life i've been thinking positively and improving wherever I can. Before I thought about actually going through with that mentality I took a look at Sakura and I (stupidly) thought that we couldn't be better. But screw that. I haven't been the best boyfriend I could've been for her over the last 2 1/2 years. I know this now because I understand her love languages and how i've failed at recognizing them properly in the past.

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

Gary Chapman

This book speaks about keeping your "wife" or "husband" happier for the most part but it's not like you can't apply it to just your gf or bf. and it does have too many religion talk for my taste but the most important part is understanding each love language, identifying what your language is, and identifying what your mates is.

Besides feeling all tingly inside because of Sakura, i've been pretty awesome. I feel awesome because I think life is going well and in turn i'll attract good things to happen to me. I have plenty to be thankful for and i know now that it's not because i'm lucky. God I love "the secret".

The Secret

Just pick it up. Don't read reviews, don't ask what it's about, just go get it. After I finish it, i'll probably make a post about it but i'm reading it so damn slow because after every page I have to stop and think out my thoughts.

I have a lot more to say(like always) but I have class in 8 hours so i'm going to fill that bed up a bit. I'm positive this post just looks like random drunken garble but whatever. IT MAKES SENSE TO ME @_@

On a final note: I heavily heavily recommend "The Secret". I'm all about it. and I can say with full confidence that I have faith in "The Law of Attraction".

18) All of my hard work summed up in 55 seconds

This past weekend I entered my first ever lockin' battle in Long Beach, Ca. Maybe I'll go into details some other time but I just want to remember what i'm thinking about and feeling tonight.

The whole 2 weeks before the event I was shaking with excitement and nervousness. I've never been so nervous. It just kept getting worse and worse for me as the days went on. The last 2 nights was the worst. My heart was beating so fast and I could hear every pulse.

But then that moment finally came on saturday. That moment when the mc calls me up to get down for the preliminary round. I felt so free after hearing it. All that nervousness just flushed away and I got lost in the beat. 55 seconds later I felt so relieved and happy to just get it all out. I was so done for the day. All I wanted to do was just enjoy the rest of the event and i'd be totally content with just that.

The rest of the contestants finished up the prelim round and then it went to top8 battles.

John(shyguy) made it in for sure cuz his prelim was badass. He went up against lockadelic tho and her experience in battling led her to the win. But right when they finished I hear "Allright now I need to see Lil b and Boogiewalker!" My face went straight to the judges with a big old "WTF!?" look. I thought my prelim was so sloppy! and after watching everyone get down, I was positive that I didn't make it in to top 8. I was actually going into the prelim hoping that they'd be picking top 16 lol.

My heart was beating so fast for the whole battle. I couldn't calm down at all cuz of all that adrenaline. I wish I had been able to settle down my heart rate so I could've been thinking clearly. I dunno if I could've won, but I know I could've put on a better show. Next time baby...next time.

I learned so much from this event and met a lot of awesome people. The socal scene is something I want to be drenched in for while so I can soak up everything there is to learn about funkstyles socal style.

We have another battle at hip hop international in 2 weeks. John and I will be there for sure repping norcal again. I'll be ready.

I don't think i've ever been prouder to carry the name "Lil b". This is such a different scene than the whole ddr thing. and i'm lovin' it.

I don't know exactly where I want to go with lockin' but i'm going in it full force from now on. and one day my name will shake the community.

Lil b - prelim 7/14 Homeland Lockin' Event

Shyguy - prelim 7/14 Homeland lockin event

Lil b vs. Boogiewalker

Shyguy vs lockadelic

17) "It ain't about how hard you hit.

...It's about how hard you can get hit and keep on moving forward."

I don't know why I waited until I was nearly 21 to start the Rocky series. It's probably one of the most inspiring things i've ever bared witness to.

If things hadn't gotten so busy at work and DSP, I would've already had joined the boxing gym down the street that just opened up. I got the papers for it a few months ago and i've been excited for it. But right now I really just don't have the time. It'd sure as hell be a great stress reliever though.

Finishing up the series really got me to thinking about the future and passion. I wish that I had really come to terms with this earlier in my life so I could've gotten started sooner, but I really want to make something of myself. Not like be a super rich person on top of a major corporation or anything like that because I don't see in myself having a passion for that. Of course I want to be wealthy for my future family, but i've made it a priority to try to make a mark on the world for myself first. I don't exactly know what I want. Like there's no trophy I want to win or a competition I wanna win.

I just want to put my all into something. Something that's just for me, and because I worked hard for it to have something to show for it.

I dunno what i'm rambling about. I love dance. I want to be awesome at it. The end.

16) Keep on dancing

Evelyn Champagne King - Love Come Down

It's nearly 4am

The past few days i've been just terrible. Or rather i've felt mucho shitty. I don't really understand why either. My sleep schedule has been awful for a while now. Maybe it's cause of that? On most nights I haven't been able to sleep before 3am. Before I used to at least be able to blame that on WOW. I'm 61 now. Woot.

Last night I had a great chance to somewhat fix my sleeping schedule. I guess it only halfway worked. Slept past 1 but woke up at 11.

For the past 2 nights i've played with the idea in my head that i'm depressed. Not "aw boo this girl doesn't like me" high school bullshit depressed. But the 2007's reality-of-my-life responsibilities that's been thrown at me constantly.

2007 has been a bitch and a blessing to me. Kinda like a hot chick thats good in bed but fucks your heart over whenever she can. Heart and wallet i should say.

I've received the most terrible of possible news this year. I've never heard anything worse to happen to my family and I. (post after next)

I'm responsible for the very worst thing that i've ever done to somebody this year. I broke my own heart because of it. I broke her heart because of it. (next post.)

I want to say that maybe my body is depressed. not my head nor my heart. Maybe i'm just wearing it out. Not giving it enough rest. Maybe it needs time away from me.

Ha. This is what an emo post is supposed to look like huh? Funny. The one thing I was scared of writing like probably just happened. Whazzeva.

It's past 4am. It's past 4am and I know i'm depressed. Body and mind alike. But not for the same reason that i've had trouble sleeping the past few nights.

I'm depressed(more sad really, but for intentional post purposes...) because I had to stop dancing around midnight and I wish so bad that I could just keep dancing right now. But i'm exhausted.

But I want to keep feeling that beat and let my body express it. I want to find those notes and let my paces hit em. I want to find those pauses and let my lock do it's thing. I want to hear those lyrics and groove while my lips follow along half a second too late.

~23 eyes on me. Someone yawns with one eye open. Hands clap the outside of the pocket along to the beat. Heads bob to the sound of the clap. Twirl and twist, point, and clap. Boom. Right on beat.~

I can't express how much I love dancing right now. I love-fucking-love it. I almost feel stupid saying it here, but I figure years from now i'll look back on this post and be like "yeeeeeeah, you're the shit almost21yr old brian."

Right now I have high hopes, dreams, and ideals for where I wanna go with all of it. But it's all really happening in slow motion right now. That's all good though. Gives me the chance to get down and enjoy it.

I talked about being depressed and one of the things I thought I was depressed about was me dancing. Not that I suck or anything, but that it was hard to imagine myself getting better. But I know it's because I have an impatient view on things. I'm not used to practicing on end to make myself worth anything. Just like the same way i'm not inclined to real studying for tests/finals.

I've thought to myself that I live my life at "B+" at best some of the time. So naturally, nothing I do is "A or A+" level. But it's because i've never been able to see how to get from a "B+" to an "A". I feel retarded saying it, but it's completely true. I have a bunch of examples of me at B+ but meh. School at some part of my life should suffice. Some of the rest is kinda debatable.

I'm planning on getting to work in 2-3 hours so i'm just gonna cut out. I have every intention of blogging out what I feel because it's way too bottled up right now. I mean I talk about it some of it from time to time but I have a feeling that I need to do more than just talk about it to people. I need to express it through something like this. It's no offense to anyone, but I figure it's just the way I am. I can see people thinking that i'm just being distant and I know I have been. I miss more people right now than ever in my life because I have such loose connections nowadays. oops. Well, I should save all that for another day.

Til then.

Keep it funky.

Ds players performing in Hayward! April14th!

Come check out my dance group DS Players tomorrow in Hayward. Here are the details:

DC productions Presents: FIRE
Saturday April 14th 2007
TWO Shows 3:30 and 7:30
Advance tix $15, At the door $20

Cal State Hayward/East Bay Main Theatre
25400 Carlos Bee Blvd
Hayward, CA 94542

Line up includes:
FBC(Funks Beyond Control)
Phoenix
Dancers without boundaries
Funks SF
DS Players
KGZ (Khaotic Groovemintz)
The Shock Family
Boogie Monstarz
The Company
and many more

DS Players @ Shades of Blue

DS Players performing @ Hot Import Nights this Sat 3/10

DSP

VENUE:
San Mateo County Fairgrounds
2495 South Delaware Street
San Mateo, CA 94403

SOCIAL MVMNT SHOWCASE
Time: 7:00 pm - 8:00 pm
Where: Urban Stage

TICKETS:
$30 general admission (purchase them online at www.hotimportnights.com)
(or try asking me ... mebbe :P)

15) I don't get to say this like...ever

but Happy Anniversary, Sakura! 2 years.. Just can't believe it. But we'll stay gold for many many years to come. Right babe?

P1000338.jpg

Postponing our celebrating until this weekend since we're both swamped with work and school. Santa Cruz has no idea what's gonna hit it on Saturday :D